Counter Bereavement Myths with Grief Counseling Training

One of the ways in which funeral directors can most help client families is by developing a thorough understanding the bereavement process and grief counseling. As professionals whose very work requires them to be in constant contact with those who are suffering the raw pain of grief and loss, they should become compassionate, caring resources for their clients.

As families prepare for the funeral services, sensitive directors will be attuned to commonalities and the differences across the various individuals she or he serves. As part of professional development, many funeral directors and funeral service assistants choose to take grief counseling training to give them the foundation for better attention to the needs of the bereaved.

One of the first things that a good bereavement counseling program does is take the wind out several popular myths about grief and bereavement. Let’s look at five common ones that funeral directors are likely to encounter and can help explode.

Myth 1: The grieving process takes about a year, after which the bereaved person should “get on” with life.

The truth is that each person’s response is different. A spouse or child is not a car; each relationship is unique and cannot be replaced. While research suggests that grief may take up to two years, for elders the loss of a spouse can be especially shattering, as can losses through suicide. Also, trying to force widowers and widows to start dating before they are ready may be well meant, but it is off target.

Myth 2: If the bereaved person does not mention the loss, don’t bring it up because you’ll just stir up sadness and grief.

The reality is that the bereaved person wants and needs to talk about the loss. Conversations about their experience of loss with compassionate others is part of the healing process. When my friends lost their 13-year old in a gun accident, they welcomed the opportunity to talk with me about their son. “Pretending that nothing changed is like having an elephant in the middle of the living room—and no one wants to bring it up.” What does not help is a gruesome nosiness that probes into hurtful places, e.g., asking a person to relive any part of the death experience that they do not want to recall.

Myth 3. It is comforting to remind the bereaved that “It was God’s will.”

Instead of creating a good reason for the bereaved to question God, invite them, as appropriate, to turn to the love and compassion of their God at this painful time. I remember one woman with 12 children, one of whom died of a childhood illness. “Well, aren’t you lucky that you have 11 others, and besides he is with God now!” many told her. “I never felt that I had one too many, and I wanted him with me,“ she told me sadly.

Myth 4. Funerals are a waste of time.

A funeral can be planned that fits the finances and the emotional needs of the family. The act of holding the funeral visitation and services are a powerful transition ritual that is an important experience for the bereaved. Not having the opportunity to talk about loss is detrimental and slows the healing. Some of my own family and friends have said “skip the funeral” since it’s a “waste of time.” One of my aunts chose to override her deceased husbands “no funeral” wishes because she wanted to create a place where all could come and express grief in community. She was amazed at the turnout by those who wanted to express their own grief for a lost friend and offer her compassion and assistance afterwards. She still talks about how much support she felt from holding that service.

Myth #5. Grief is something that should be done alone and in private.

Suffering in silence and alone is not helpful, although some cultural norms promote that. One of the most supportive venues for learning to live with the loss can be found in “bereavement groups,” where participants receive encouragement, compassion, as well as advice and support from others who have already been there. Many well-meaning friends and family just do not know what to say or what kind of help to offer, but others who have recently shared the experience can provide support and healthy role models.

Funeral directors find themselves in a unique position to provide the most compassionate, healthy transition possible at a very difficult time. By taking time to learn more about the grieving process through courses and certification programs, they will discover deeper rewards in their profession.