On Practicing and Teaching Loving-Kindness Mediation: A Therapist Reflects

When I tell my friends that I meditate regularly, most of them think that I sit in lotus position and chant “Om” or some such thing for an hour at a time in front of a candle.

Well, I don’t.

It may be a bit ironic that as a therapist, I now find myself not only doing meditation but also recommending it to my clients. For years, in spite of being vaguely aware that it had some benefits for health and wellness, I avoided it as just seemed too exotic. As much as I admired the Beatles, I bought their LPs but not the whole Transcendental Meditation rage. Chalk that as my loss! Now the benefits of various kinds of meditation are just too clear to ignore.

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a different kind of meditation, a centuries-old Buddhist practice called Metta, or Loving-Kindness meditation. I decided to give it a go. At about that time, a preeminent researcher, Barbara Fredrickson, was starting to publish articles that showed the clear benefits for it. Up to this point, I was aware of ongoing mediation research and application centered on Mindfulness Mediation at the U Mass Medical School under the leadership of Jon Kabat-Zinn, and was “meaning to look into it more.”

As I got into Loving-kindness practice, reading, and research, what really grabbed me about it from the get-go is that it is more about opening the heart, about promoting compassion than about getting our busy minds to quiet down, as important as that is. And what astounded me was that Fredrickson’s research was showing a wide range of benefits to those who practiced it for as little as 20 minutes over six weeks.

Here’s what she says in her book, Positivity, about its benefits:

Practicing loving-kindness is not a magic bullet to the heart that unfailingly makes your positivity soar. Still, the positivity generated by this form of meditation practice accounts for a wide weep of benefits in people’s lives—from improved abilities to savor and be mindful, to having an easier time accepting themselves, finding positive meaning, and trusting others. Practitioners even suffer fewer aches, pains, colds, and flues. Practicing loving-kindness helps people move the riverbed for their day-to-day emotions to higher ground. Ultimately, they become les depressed and more satisfied with life as a whole. (p. 197)

It requires no special equipment, although a teacher can be a valuable aid. (For more details, I highly recommend the book Loving-kindness: the Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg for her warm, wise presentation in a way that Westerners can appreciate.)

For therapists, counselors, social workers, and other mental health professionals developing your own practice of meditation and learning to teach it to your clients and patients can be one of the best things you can do. Those who work in pastoral care will also find much of value in learning and teaching meditation.

To develop a solid base in the area, there are certification programs to enhance your learning and credibility. But the most important thing is to practice it yourself. Once you do, you will have an experiential understanding that complements any formal education on the subject and be able to communicate the relevance to your patients with much more confidence and compassion.

Counter Bereavement Myths with Grief Counseling Training

One of the ways in which funeral directors can most help client families is by developing a thorough understanding the bereavement process and grief counseling. As professionals whose very work requires them to be in constant contact with those who are suffering the raw pain of grief and loss, they should become compassionate, caring resources for their clients.

As families prepare for the funeral services, sensitive directors will be attuned to commonalities and the differences across the various individuals she or he serves. As part of professional development, many funeral directors and funeral service assistants choose to take grief counseling training to give them the foundation for better attention to the needs of the bereaved.

One of the first things that a good bereavement counseling program does is take the wind out several popular myths about grief and bereavement. Let’s look at five common ones that funeral directors are likely to encounter and can help explode.

Myth 1: The grieving process takes about a year, after which the bereaved person should “get on” with life.

The truth is that each person’s response is different. A spouse or child is not a car; each relationship is unique and cannot be replaced. While research suggests that grief may take up to two years, for elders the loss of a spouse can be especially shattering, as can losses through suicide. Also, trying to force widowers and widows to start dating before they are ready may be well meant, but it is off target.

Myth 2: If the bereaved person does not mention the loss, don’t bring it up because you’ll just stir up sadness and grief.

The reality is that the bereaved person wants and needs to talk about the loss. Conversations about their experience of loss with compassionate others is part of the healing process. When my friends lost their 13-year old in a gun accident, they welcomed the opportunity to talk with me about their son. “Pretending that nothing changed is like having an elephant in the middle of the living room—and no one wants to bring it up.” What does not help is a gruesome nosiness that probes into hurtful places, e.g., asking a person to relive any part of the death experience that they do not want to recall.

Myth 3. It is comforting to remind the bereaved that “It was God’s will.”

Instead of creating a good reason for the bereaved to question God, invite them, as appropriate, to turn to the love and compassion of their God at this painful time. I remember one woman with 12 children, one of whom died of a childhood illness. “Well, aren’t you lucky that you have 11 others, and besides he is with God now!” many told her. “I never felt that I had one too many, and I wanted him with me,“ she told me sadly.

Myth 4. Funerals are a waste of time.

A funeral can be planned that fits the finances and the emotional needs of the family. The act of holding the funeral visitation and services are a powerful transition ritual that is an important experience for the bereaved. Not having the opportunity to talk about loss is detrimental and slows the healing. Some of my own family and friends have said “skip the funeral” since it’s a “waste of time.” One of my aunts chose to override her deceased husbands “no funeral” wishes because she wanted to create a place where all could come and express grief in community. She was amazed at the turnout by those who wanted to express their own grief for a lost friend and offer her compassion and assistance afterwards. She still talks about how much support she felt from holding that service.

Myth #5. Grief is something that should be done alone and in private.

Suffering in silence and alone is not helpful, although some cultural norms promote that. One of the most supportive venues for learning to live with the loss can be found in “bereavement groups,” where participants receive encouragement, compassion, as well as advice and support from others who have already been there. Many well-meaning friends and family just do not know what to say or what kind of help to offer, but others who have recently shared the experience can provide support and healthy role models.

Funeral directors find themselves in a unique position to provide the most compassionate, healthy transition possible at a very difficult time. By taking time to learn more about the grieving process through courses and certification programs, they will discover deeper rewards in their profession.